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Michael Phelps Needs To Grow Up Already
Everyday Adventures
By Mary Fran Bontempo, For The Bulletin
Oh, Michael. What in the world were you thinking?
Wait, that’s right. You weren’t thinking. With an excuse that’s become ubiquitous whenever a young person screws up, you’re just a young guy who made a stupid mistake, someone who “acted in a youthful and inappropriate way….”
Mikey, how many times have you had your picture taken? Eight million? Didn’t it occur to you that someone might have a cell phone or a camera and want to make some money off of your stupidity by snapping away while you sucked on a bong and then selling your photo to the highest bidder?
I looked up “stupid” in the dictionary and it means, among other things, “heavy, sluggish and lacking ordinary quickness.” Michael Phelps? Heavy, sluggish and lacking quickness? Well, yeah. Because unfortunately for Mike, speed in the pool doesn’t translate into mental acuity. Our boy Michael is a dope, no pun intended.
But again, Mike’s young. I forgot. Apparently, since young equals stupid, and it’s not his fault that he’s young, we need to give him a pass, right?
Michael’s not the only one. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard the excuse that the perpetrator of some act of idiocy or crime was young, I could solve the global economic crisis.
What I want to know is this: Do I get a free pass when I do something stupid because I’m old? OK. I’m not really “old,” but I do experience the occasional mental lapse that causes me to do some pretty questionable things.
Things like buy a hideously ugly shirt because it’s by some famous designer and on sale. Carry the portable phone into the basement, leave it there and lose my mind for the next hour trying to find the darn thing. Miss my dentist appointment, misplace my keys, forget to go to the bank, leave my glasses in the car, etc., etc.
I do some pretty dumb things on a regular basis, but here’s the difference, Mike — none of them are illegal. Sure, I’m old (I’ll deny this after the column’s finished, by the way), and I can use it as an excuse for being befuddled, but it seems to me that excuse only flies when it’s not a clear cut choice between right and wrong.
What you did was wrong. Wrong and illegal, which, if the sheriff has his way, will land you in more trouble than just embarrassment and loss of big money endorsements.
Speaking of which, all of that money you’ve collected because you’re Michael Phelps, wunderkind of water? You got that money precisely because you’re not “normal” or average. You’ve been all but knighted by the nation, and yeah, we expect more of you. If you don’t want to be a role model, jump in the pool, swim, collect your medal and then go home. No public appearances, no screaming crowd, no money. But don’t take all of that stuff and then tell us you’re just a normal guy. You’re not.
You’re also not that young. Sixteen, 17, that’s young enough to be expected to do something as stupid as you did. Twenty-three? I was married for a year by the time I was 23. Twenty-three is five years after the legal age of adulthood in this country. Twenty-three is young in a 100-year lifespan, but let’s get real, here. You knew what you did was wrong. Age had nothing to do with it.
If you’re really contrite and never screw up again, I suppose I can forgive you. But expecting us to excuse you because of your “youth” and “normalcy”? That’s just all wet.
Wait, that’s right. You weren’t thinking. With an excuse that’s become ubiquitous whenever a young person screws up, you’re just a young guy who made a stupid mistake, someone who “acted in a youthful and inappropriate way….”
Mikey, how many times have you had your picture taken? Eight million? Didn’t it occur to you that someone might have a cell phone or a camera and want to make some money off of your stupidity by snapping away while you sucked on a bong and then selling your photo to the highest bidder?
I looked up “stupid” in the dictionary and it means, among other things, “heavy, sluggish and lacking ordinary quickness.” Michael Phelps? Heavy, sluggish and lacking quickness? Well, yeah. Because unfortunately for Mike, speed in the pool doesn’t translate into mental acuity. Our boy Michael is a dope, no pun intended.
But again, Mike’s young. I forgot. Apparently, since young equals stupid, and it’s not his fault that he’s young, we need to give him a pass, right?
Michael’s not the only one. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard the excuse that the perpetrator of some act of idiocy or crime was young, I could solve the global economic crisis.
What I want to know is this: Do I get a free pass when I do something stupid because I’m old? OK. I’m not really “old,” but I do experience the occasional mental lapse that causes me to do some pretty questionable things.
Things like buy a hideously ugly shirt because it’s by some famous designer and on sale. Carry the portable phone into the basement, leave it there and lose my mind for the next hour trying to find the darn thing. Miss my dentist appointment, misplace my keys, forget to go to the bank, leave my glasses in the car, etc., etc.
I do some pretty dumb things on a regular basis, but here’s the difference, Mike — none of them are illegal. Sure, I’m old (I’ll deny this after the column’s finished, by the way), and I can use it as an excuse for being befuddled, but it seems to me that excuse only flies when it’s not a clear cut choice between right and wrong.
What you did was wrong. Wrong and illegal, which, if the sheriff has his way, will land you in more trouble than just embarrassment and loss of big money endorsements.
Speaking of which, all of that money you’ve collected because you’re Michael Phelps, wunderkind of water? You got that money precisely because you’re not “normal” or average. You’ve been all but knighted by the nation, and yeah, we expect more of you. If you don’t want to be a role model, jump in the pool, swim, collect your medal and then go home. No public appearances, no screaming crowd, no money. But don’t take all of that stuff and then tell us you’re just a normal guy. You’re not.
You’re also not that young. Sixteen, 17, that’s young enough to be expected to do something as stupid as you did. Twenty-three? I was married for a year by the time I was 23. Twenty-three is five years after the legal age of adulthood in this country. Twenty-three is young in a 100-year lifespan, but let’s get real, here. You knew what you did was wrong. Age had nothing to do with it.
If you’re really contrite and never screw up again, I suppose I can forgive you. But expecting us to excuse you because of your “youth” and “normalcy”? That’s just all wet.
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